…and not with an insightful dispatch from the baja peninsula–nope, that would be too easy (but may come later). Per the Huffington Post, enjoy LA’s favorite overly sentimental sports columnist Bill Plaschke “bridging the cultural divide” by eating penis. Let the sophomoric jokes ensue across the blogosphere. Plaschke can handle it because when “when you eat penis you feel like you can take on anything.” But the journalists, the Chicago Tribune’s Kevin Pang was also taste testing, hit a speed bump when dog penis is prepared for them. Really? I can’t begin to think of the justification for sheep’s penis but not wild dog. Plaschke doesn’t condemn Chinese for eating wild dog but stops b/c he can’t eat a  pet…I will wait for the article.

For a better quality video see click on the Huffigton post link above.

To be fair, Plaschke ain’t this writer’s cup of tea. He is overly sentimental and is prone to hyperbole and hypocrisy. But he is a good writer and kudos to him for trying penis.

Currently working on some other projects before I go south of the border next week. daily posts to be resumed at a date TBD. In the meantime I will keep posts somewhat up to date so keep checking back. If you have a problem with this ask world-renown author Haruki Murakami.

From Time Magazine

Dear Haruki,

If my boyfriend is tired and has a few drinks, he’ll urinate in the middle of the night. He sleepwalks to my kitchen, front door, or closet and does his business. This is not the first, second, or even ninth time he’s done it. If I try to wake him up, it’s like I’m talking to a zombie— he’s completely incoherent and impossible to deal with. When I tell him the next morning what he’s done, he’s always extremely apologetic and swears he has no recollection of it. But tonight it happened again! He ruined a pair of black ballet flats I adore! He needs to stop, but I don’t even know where to begin.—No Longer Amused

Dear No Longer Amused,

Your heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, full to the banks. All signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, inundated and carried away by that rush of water. And still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. Every time you see a flood like that on the news you tell yourself: That’s it. That’s my heart.

–jw

To help pass the day:

- For anyone who always wanted to know what books are about without reading them, The Guardian’s John Crace will tell you about them in 400 words or less.

- Embargo..shmargoo. The Detroit News reports that Canadian airline Sunwing plans to offer direct flights to Cuba from Windsor, Ontario (a short ride from Detroit). Wait, you say, aren’t Americans banned from visiting Cuba? The Detroit News estimates that the ban has not stopped 20,000-30,000 Americans from visiting each year. (Technically you are allowed to visit, just not spend money) Will those numbers go up? Anyone ever been stuck in Michigan for the winter?

-If you have thirty seconds check this out, you don’t even have to read it.

-Older, white, Christian male does a parody of “Baby Got Back.” Need I say more?

Thanks to everyone for reading. I’m done for the weekend.

To do this weekend:

-See The Dark Knight (I didn’t know Heath Ledger played the Joker).  Hindus like it.

-Win a softball game

-Figure out ways to improve my fantasy baseball team

-dishes

-get intoxicated at the park. Picnic. (Hope someone brings coleslaw)

-read an old issue of Granta

As you can see I will be very busy…

–jw

Tom appeared on the sidewalk with a bucket of white wash and a long-handled brush. He surveyed the fence and all the gladness left him and deep melancholy settled down on his spirit. Thirty yards of board fence nine feet high. Life to him seemed hollow, and existence, but a burden. Sighing he dipped his brush and passed it along the topmost plank; repeated the operation; did it again; compared the insignificant whitewashed streak with the far-reaching continent of unwhitewashed fence, and sat down on a tree-box discouraged.

-Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

-Global maritime reports show an increase in pirate attacks worldwide. Innocent enough, right?

The violence was pronounced in Somalia, where pirates are often armed with rocket-propelled grenade launchers and automatic weapons.

Kevin Costner thinks this would be great idea for a post-apoplyptic adventure.

- Anya Yurchyshyn explains how the guy pictured below stole Salmon Rushdie’s “Best of the Booker Prize” thunder, sorta….

- As if they don’t have enough things to worry about….airlines are now concerned about making sure to open up revenue streams by placing ads on boarding passes.

- Younger siblings of Australia rejoice.

- Two Thumbs Up for Malthusian fear mongering…The politics, culture, and business of WALL-E.

- “Uggla’d” is sure to be in the urban dictionary by the end of the day. I’m sure it will be something along the lines of being selected for something b/c of outstanding skills but then shitting the bed when asked to demonstrate said skills. I would say “Uggly” is the best way to describe Dan Uggla’s performance in the All Star Game but the AP already used it.

–jw

We are not going to hear the end of this one for awhile. Former drug addict puts on show in Home Run Derby hitting twenty eightballs twenty-eight long balls in the first round. Stupid drug jokes about someone’s awful past aside, that was impressive, moving (did he really have to bring his 71 year-old American Legion coach to pitch to him or did he just do that to help the audience rid their conscience of the Three Doors Down performance?) and inspiring. I remember when the Reds picked him in a Rule V draft a few years back, many said his chance of becoming an everyday player were slim to say the least. So yeah he’s talented…as Joe Morgan told the audience three-hundred times: that it takes talent to sit out of baseball for three years (Hamilton did not play baseball while trying to recover) and still hit a baseball at the major league baseball level and do it well (sentence written in the style as if Joe Morgan said it). I thought Rick Ankiel’s story was impressive, as Matt Sussman over at Deadspin notes it actually pales in comparison:

Because already his story dwarfs Rick Ankiel’s comeback. (“Oh, you came back from … sucking at pitching? Well, congratu-fucking-lations, I don’t remember most of 2005.”)

Too bad the news cycle will beat this horse till it’s dead.

Oh before I forget, Justin Morneau actually won the competition and Rick Reilly thinks that too many white people are invited to hit homeruns and “Yankee stadium has more history than Joan Rivers face.” Yuk it up America.

–jw

How come no one has ever told me about this video? This is apparently old enough that David Cross has parodied it several times but any chance you can get spread the word about world peace corporate takeovers you should. Start your Monday with a reminder of how creative and cheese dick corporate America can be.

Do you like the Cowboys or your university?

Do you like the Yankees or is Nascar more your speed?

Well its your choice, you’re right

To pick a card that shows your heart and your pride

We’re one with affinity and we will carry each other

One

I’m off to change banks.

–jw

It isn’t dry but it certainly isn’t quenching anyone’s thirst. Will end it with that abstract. No funny video or article to tide you over for the next two days, just an overdue excerpt. Maybe you can apply it to Bastille day.

It is an odd holiday, to be sure — one a man or woman could easily grow abstracted about, its practical importance to the task of holding back wild and dark misrule never altogether clear or provable; as though independence were only private and too crucial to celebrate with others; as though we should all just get on with being independent, given that it is after all the normal, commonsensical human condition, to be taken for granted unless opposed or thwarted, in which case unreserved, even absurd measures should be taken to restore or reimagine it. … Best maybe just to pass the day as the original signers did and as I prefer to do, in a country-like setting near to home, alone with your thoughts, your fears, your hopes, your “moments of reason” for what new world lies fearsomely ahead.

— Richard Ford, “Independence Day

Will try for a few “moments of reason” this weekend, which like the passage itself, will most likely be overdue (as the good ones always are).

–jw

Really Shepard Fairey? Lame.